Grief is a universal human experience, yet it is intensely personal. It’s a journey that we all embark on at some point in our lives, yet no two paths are exactly alike. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the shattering of a dream, grief can feel like navigating through the darkest depths of the unknown. Loss is a natural part of life; like resting when we are tired and drinking when we are thirsty, we grieve when we experience a loss. This is nature’s way of healing emotional wounds.
The Process of Grieving:
- Shock. Disbelief or denial, or feelings of numbness. It may seem like the world has fallen apart.
- Physical symptoms, such as: insomnia, sleeping more than usual, discomfort, fatigue, loss of appetite, or other changes in your body.
- Depression. It is common to think you will never recover from a loss and never be happy again. However, you will recover with time. Allowing yourself time to grieve is essential to the healing process.
- Guilt. You may go through “if only” feelings (i.e., “If only I had forgiven them”). Talking about feelings like this is helpful in resolving guilt. It’s okay to forgive yourself.
- Anger. It is not uncommon to be angry: angry at the loved one for leaving, angry at God for not intervening, or being angry at life for being unfair. Again, sharing these feelings with others can help you work through it. Suppressing anger will only make you feel worse and can hurt people along the way.
- Idealization and realization. In the beginning, you may feel as if the future will never be as good as the past. As time goes on, you’ll find that the past wasn’t perfect either.
- Continuing life. Over time, you should be able adjust to the loss, recognize it, and lead a happy, healthy life.
All of these feelings are normal. There is no “right way” to grieve and there is no timeline for grief. Don’t be hard on yourself, give yourself time, and practice self-care. Take a vacation, exercise, don’t isolate yourself: stay in contact with the outside world. You are not alone!
Grieving can be difficult, painful, and emotionally exhausting. Because of this, you may feel that it is best to put your loss behind you as quickly as possible, to be strong and to get on with your life. On the contrary, unresolved grief can lead to serious emotional or physical problems. If left unresolved, grief can lead to depression, anxiety, sickness, alcohol or other drug use, or even suicide.
What We Need During Grief:
- Time. You need both time alone and time with others who you trust and who will listen when you need to talk. It may take months or even years to understand the feelings that go along with loss.
- Caring. Try to allow yourself to accept the expressions of caring from others, though you may feel uneasy or awkward at first. Helping a friend or relative suffering a similar loss may bring a feeling of closeness with that person. If you feel alone, chances are that you are not.
- Security. Put in an effort to reduce financial and other stresses in your life. Additionally, getting back into a routine helps, but do things at your own pace.
- Permission to Backslide. Sometimes after a period of feeling good, we return to feelings of sadness, despair, or anger. This is the normal nature of grief; emotions go up and down. This happens because, as humans, we cannot take in pain and make sense of our loss all at once. Therefore, we let in a little at a time. It is good to remember: Healing is not linear.
- Hope. Realizing that others have suffered similar losses and recovered from it may provide hope and comfort. Knowing what helped them and understanding that time does heal may also give hope. Know that sometime in the future your grief will be less raw and painful.
- Small Pleasure. Do not underestimate the healing effects of small pleasures. Sunsets, hiking in nature, eating your favorite food. All are small steps toward regaining pleasure in your life.
Goals. If you feel like life is without meaning, set small goals for yourself. Something to look forward to: hanging out with a friend today, seeing a movie tomorrow night, going on a trip next month. Living one day at a time is the rule of thumb. However, don’t be surprised if your enjoyment level is not as high as usual.
When you are grieving you need permission, validation, and room to feel. You need compassion and sympathy, both from yourself and from the people around you. Validating your own losses will provide relief. Grieving ensures that you will move on. There are no shortcuts when it comes to feeling these emotions.
Grief in Children:
Grieving is a very difficult and painful process for children. Often, in the emotional turmoil surrounding a loss, a child’s grief may be overlooked. Children need the love, attention, support, and understanding of adults to help them in their grief. It helps both you and the children to share your feelings and memories with each other.
Keep in mind that a child, especially a very young child, may have a limited understanding of death and its permanence. When you explain a death, explain it in simple, but real, terms. Do not soften the explanation with phrases like “Daddy’s gone away” or “God took grandma to be with Him.” This may confuse the child and may cause unrealistic views or feelings (Why did Daddy go away without saying goodbye? When is he coming back?) Very young children may need to be told again and again that a loved one has died and this means they will not return. Explain this patiently and as often as needed.
You may not know what to say to a child, and explaining a loss while coping with your own grief can be extremely difficult. Try to be as open and honest as possible and try to share as much as you can with the child. Silence can make children feel isolated and may convey the message that they should limit their grieving. Physical comfort like giving extra hugs and holding hands goes a long way toward easing a child’s pain.
Like adults, children adjust to loss in phases. Give them all the time they need. They may experience anxiety, be unresponsive at times or distracted at school for awhile. This is normal. You can help the child by keeping the daily routines and familiar activities. Also, encourage the child, even during grieving, to do the things they enjoy, to continue to enjoy life.
Remember: the most important factor in how well a child adjusts to a loss is the support he or she receives from loved ones.
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